OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
