she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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