he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
