I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
