So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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