Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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