I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
