I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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