I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
