so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
