I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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