just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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