I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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