The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
