He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
