I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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