In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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