She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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