My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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