Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
