Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
His hands were made for my vagina.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
