I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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