Where are you?
In a non slutty way
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
