Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
