I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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