Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
