Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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