Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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