i may or may not be watching the land before time
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
