i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
