where am i from again
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
