please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
