I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
