someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
