My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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