I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
