I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
