I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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