I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
