i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
