Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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