hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my vag is so smooth its legendary
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
