mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
