we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
