You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
