Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
