that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
