Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You were trust falling into bushes
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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