He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We're too hungover to prance.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
