I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
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