if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
