watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
